Victimized

I've picked up a habit that some people would call a bad one, but one that I enjoy quite a lot. It's just running, so it can't be that bad, right? The only problem is, I run alone. Still not that bad, right?

But, it's in the middle of the night.

Some people look at me like I'm crazy when I mention that, but nighttime running is the best. Especially in the hot summer. I actually enjoy having my sweat cool me down, not just make me feel sticky. And I live in a relatively safe community, running with a key in my hand like a knife, so I'm totally safe, right? My chances of becoming a victim where I live are .36 percent. (Yes, I did just look that up.) Not a big deal.

If you're thinking I'm going to continue on to explain how I happened to be a part of that .36 percent, you're wrong.

No, I'm going to tell you how I caused someone else to be part of that .36 percent.

Before embarking on a run on this particular night, I realized that I really needed to pee. But I've always heard that needing to pee simply makes you run faster, so I decided that I could hold it. (Don't ever believe anyone who tells you that. Ever.)

As I started running, each step caused my intestines to rub against my bladder, causing my need to relieve myself to intensify. But I just kept going. (Bad idea #2, just in case you couldn't figure that out for yourself.)

I got about halfway done, and the need was unbearable. All I could think about was going to the bathroom. Soon I began repeating my mantra of "Don'tpeedon'tpeedon'tpeedon'tpeedon'tpee" over and over again. When I had two blocks left before I would be to my car, I knew I wasn't going to make it. The pain was so intense that I was running stranger than normal, and tears were threatening to fall, attempting to get some liquid out somehow.

So with those two blocks to go, I bailed. I ran straight past a light post, into a field just off the sidewalk, dropped my shorts, and let it free. Unfortunately, it was right around this moment when I heard footsteps.

Coming from the sidewalk.

Which was probably ten feet away from me.

While the only thing offering me any sort of covering was a tree whose trunk was about as big around as my arm.

And I just kept peeing.

So, unfortunate man who chose that inopportune moment to go running, I apologize profusely. I truly didn't go running with the intent to make you a victim. Please accept my apology knowing that it will never happen again.

(Especially if you do what's good for you and stop running in the middle of the night.)